I'm sitting here watching Bron play basketball, sipping on a Bahama Mama because I'm off tomorrow for Veterans Day, and I wanted to sip on a lil' something.
Life is good.
Not perfect. Not problem-free. But good.
And as I sit here enjoying my evening, I realize something: I'm comfortable, and I'm at peace.
I've always believed that more than one thing can be true at once.
When I think about peace, I think about having no worries. I think about living a life that's about so much more than simply surviving.
Because I've been in survival mode.
And let me tell you, there is absolutely nothing peaceful about constantly figuring out your next parlay. What are we eating? What are we wearing? How am I paying this bill? What can I move around to make everything work?
It's exhausting.
Surviving was never supposed to be the goal.
Thriving in peace? Now, that's the goal.
And no, that doesn't mean problems won't arise or stressors won't occur. Life is going to life. But when those things happen, I don't want them rocking my boat.
Photo: Aaliyah, Berlin (2000). © Mikael “Mika” Väisänen. Licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/). Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Aaliyah_Dana_Haughton-05.jpg. No modifications made.
RIP Aaliyah.
She was the first female celebrity, and maybe the only one, I ever looked at and thought, I want to be like her.
She was herself. Pure, tomboyish, yet sexy and suave. There was something about her authenticity that I admired.
Anywho, back to this peace thing.
I've learned a thing or two about who's supposed to be steering my boat.
God Isn't Keeping Score Like That
There was a time when I was so accustomed to chaos, friction, and the fear of being broke that I started attaching those same feelings to my relationship with God.
Somewhere along the way, I began treating His love and faithfulness like they were conditional upon how perfectly I performed.
If I tithed $500, was I more deserving of His blessings than if I tithed $1?
If I backslid and did something I knew I shouldn't, was God suddenly going to allow everything in my life to fall apart?
I used to carry those kinds of fears.
But I've grown to understand my relationship with God differently.
I'm at peace, and I didn't have to sell my soul for it. I gave my soul to God already, and Jesus paid in blood.
I don't tithe as much as I once did since moving and not attaching guilt to the 10%. Yet God continues to move in my life. He's been faithful to me, and I'm still faithful to Him. At one point, probably due to certain doctrines, I thought the greater I could give, the more blessings I'd receive.
Nah.
“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.”
That doesn't mean I've stopped striving to grow spiritually or that my choices don't matter. It means I no longer believe I have to live in constant fear that one imperfect decision will undo every good thing in my life.
God's grace doesn't give me permission to live carelessly. It gives me the freedom to grow without being consumed by fear.
God's love isn't something I can purchase.
And His grace isn't something I have to earn every morning.
I spent enough years navigating uncertainty in my everyday life. I refuse to make my relationship with God another source of anxiety.
Comfortable Doesn't Mean Complacent
Now, before somebody mistakes my newfound comfort for complacency, let me explain something.
I'm not just sitting around with my feet up, coasting through life.
I'm creating motion.
I've made changes to my fitness habits. Am I completely uncomfortable with my current fitness level? Not quite. But I've recognized areas where I want to improve, and I'm taking steps toward them.
I also became a first-time dog mom.
And nobody told me having a dog was like having a furry toddler attached to your hip 24/7.
I've spent years teaching, coaching, and raising my teenage daughter, so responsibility isn't new to me. But having a little creature depending on you every single day, with no breaks? That's a different kind of commitment.
Uzi has taught me so much about love, patience, and caring for something beyond myself.
I've even started making homemade dog food.
Who am I?!
And because I don't have a fenced-in yard (yet), guess who's getting her steps in whether she feels like it or not?
Me.
Is this new chapter always comfortable? Absolutely not.
But I'm enjoying the ride.
I've also started writing again and putting real energy into SHEisDOPE instead of allowing my blog to sit around collecting digital dust.
I'm showing up for things that matter to me.
And that, to me, is what life is about.
You can be comfortable with where you are without becoming content with never growing.
Sometimes growth requires stepping outside of what feels familiar. Other times, growth looks like finally allowing yourself to enjoy what you've worked so hard to achieve.
Both matter.
From Delivering Orders to Ordering Delivery
I remember when I was teaching and coaching and barely earning $40,000 a year.
My teaching checks were around $1,200 every two weeks.
And while I loved parts of what I did, financially, things were tight.
I was delivering food late at night to earn extra money. During the day, I'd pick up Instacart orders, sometimes with my daughter tagging along.
For her, those were fun little adventures with Mommy.
For Mommy?
That was WORK.
I was trying to make things happen. Trying to keep everything afloat. Trying to provide while figuring out what came next.
And now?
Sometimes I pay somebody else to deliver my food.
That might sound insignificant to somebody who's always had that luxury, but for me, it's a reminder of how far I've come.
There was a time when I wouldn't dare spend extra money on a delivery service.
Now, I can occasionally enjoy that convenience without the same level of worry.
And it feels grown.
It feels comfortable.
It feels deserved.
Do I still have financially tight weeks? Absolutely.
But am I living in the same state of struggle I once was?
No.
And I'm thankful for that.
I don't take those little conveniences for granted because I remember what it took to get here.
Sometimes we get so caught up in chasing the next thing that we forget to acknowledge the prayers we're already living inside of.
I'm Only at the 50-Yard Line
Here's the thing, though.
I'm not finished.
I've come a long way, and I deserve to relish this new chapter of comfort. But I'm not in the end zone yet.
I'm only at the 50-yard line.
And I'm trying to run these plays and score a touchdown. I'm not settling for a field goal.
There are still things I want to accomplish, places I want to go, and versions of myself I haven't met yet.
But I'm no longer interested in pursuing those things at the expense of my peace.
I've tried steering my own boat without giving God much room to lead.
And let's just say that didn't work out too well for me.
These days, I'm learning to let Him take me where He wants me to go, instead of insisting we sail wherever I want.
That means including Him in my writing, my relationships, my decisions, and the things I choose to pursue.
My responsibility is to honor Him and remain faithful to what He's called me to do.
Everything else is secondary.
And no, I don't have unlimited time to accomplish every dream or fix every problem.
None of us do.
We can't save everybody. We can't do everything. And we certainly can't control every outcome.
But I do believe we can make the most of the time and opportunities we've been given.
If you can go to bed at night knowing you made an effort, showed up for yourself, loved somebody, learned something, or took even one small step forward, that's a job well done.
Peace Looks Good on Me
I don't have to be everything to everybody.
I don't have to prove that I'm working hard by constantly being exhausted.
I don't have to manufacture chaos to feel like I'm making progress.
And I don't have to wait until every bill is paid, every goal is accomplished, and every dream has come true to enjoy my life.
I can be grateful and ambitious.
Comfortable and growing.
Imperfect and faithful.
At peace and still in motion.
More than one thing can be true at once.
And if you're reading this while you're still in survival mode, I hope you know that where you are today doesn't have to be where you stay.
I can't promise you a life without difficulties. I can't tell you exactly when things will change or what your journey will look like.
But I can tell you that life has surprised me in ways I couldn't have imagined when I was just trying to make it through another week.
I'm thankful for this ride. It hasn't always been easy, and Lord knows it hasn't always been desirable.
But I'm here.
Still growing. Still learning. Still believing.
And for the first time in a long time, I'm not just trying to survive the journey.
I'm actually enjoying it.
So wherever you are on your own field, don't count yourself out. There's still time left to play.
-Amber Chanel
